The white flags, as my neighbour put it were gleaming as white as white on the clothesline in preparation for the exciting birth of our 3rd child. It let the neighbours know that the time was nearly here and the nappies were fresh and bright. It was a relief to be over the dreaded morning sickness which was in fact a 24/7 sickness. I couldnt even look at the old lino that resembled crushed weetbix or the bright green palm leafed wallpaper. (whoever decorated that place never experienced nausea)
I had had a dream of a young man coming to visit me from the Spirit World and invited me to see where he lived. I knew he was a spirit and the world in which he lived was a happy place. Full of many people and yes, he even had a piano and someone was playing it. There was lots of singing and just happiness all around. After looking around for a while, he turned to me and told me it was time to go back. (I was about 5 months pregnant and never really thought about this again much at all. I was so used to having spiritual dreams)
It was October and I felt on top of the world, Josh was in yr 1 and Michael was to start pre-school, so my days during the school hours the following year would be spent nurturing a little baby and having time one on one. Oh how wrong I was, the emptiness that consumed me was absolutely gut wrenching.
Samuel Reid Lammi was born on the 7th October, 1992, weighing in at a healthy 7lb 5oz and measuring a length of only 19 inches.
He was my 3rd Csection of 5. I would have had 10 if the Drs had let me.
He was perfect and had a mass of dark dark hair. A Lammi he definately was. He was born in the afternoon at nearly 2pm, so after I got back to the ward I was able to have him with me for at least 5 hours. Both Gary and I were once again besotted by the presence of a baby fresh from Heaven, so beautiful so perfect.
I was totally exhausted and in a lot of pain, but none the less was able to have him on my chest and listen to him breath and gurgle, and wriggle and squirm. He opened his eyes the minute he was placed in my arms and looked straight up at me and focused for what seemed like about 15 seconds and then drifted back to sleep knowing that his Mummy had him. EVERY baby knows the sound of their Mothers voice.
My Parents arrived at the hospital with Josh and Michael and the boys couldn't keep their little hands off of him. Josh had even drawn a picture to give him and so we put it in his crib, after that I don't exactly know what happened to it. I wished I did. They had already left cheezel crumbs in his hair and I wished that those crumbs wouldn't have been washed out later.
As the night came on and Gary left to go back to my Parents, I ask the girl next to me if she wouldn't mind taking him into the nursery for the night, as that was where they were put back then. NEVER in my wildest dreams would it have occurred to me that that would be the last time I would get to hold him while he was alive.
At about 4:30am a Doctor and a Nurse came and woke me up to report to me that my Baby Samuel was having trouble breathing and that they had found a hole in his lung. This is NOT what any Mother wants to hear at all. My heart stopped beating to the same drum from then on out.
Gary was phoned and was up at that hospital before I had time to blink. It was like a bad dream. I just wanted to wake up and realise that that's all it was.
As the morning wore on, things got worse and his other lung developed holes and he had air sacks on the outside of them. One very sick little boy.
As a young girl growing up in the LDS church and believing in the power of prayer and healing through priesthood blessings, I saw my Father perform many many faith promoting blessings. So I hailed my Father up and pleaded with him to please save my Sam. Not that Gary couldn't do the same thing, he could, but I truly believed that my Father had the highest connections with God himself.
After the blessing both Gary and my Father came back to me and Dad leaned across, gave me a big hug and said "He will be alright, I know it"
As soon as I could, I managed to get out of bed and into a wheelchair and into the CCU where I would sit and just stare at my Sam. I would listen to his breathing that had a whistle to it because of the tubes.
Even though he was completely sedated the nurse pointed something out to me that I will NEVER forget. She told me that over the years of her nursing, she has noticed that these little babies whether they are conscious or not, seem to recognize when their Mothers are near and especially touch them. She told me to put my hand in and watch his saturation levels (or something like that) drop. It was true, so I sat there all day stroking him as best I could in between the Dr's and Nurses working on him.
It was literally a roller coaster ride. One hour he'd be doing fine, the next he'd be down. I sat there willing him to live with every ounce of energy I had all the time with Gary by his side as well.
Even though I was a public patient the nurses were kind enough to put me into a private room and set up a bed for Gary alongside me. I will NEVER forget that act of kindness.
Day 2 was very much the same as the previous. Up and Down, Up and Down.
Day 3 came and I was within myself feeling much better physically and had a shower, washed my hair and dried it off. I looked at Gary and said, "Today's the day for Sam to rise above it" little did I realise those words were not what I understood them to be.
He had taken a turn for the worse and they had called the Dr up early. I was sent to a little room with Gary where a Nurse was busy showing me how to express milk and store it. Distraction or whatever, I felt removed from what would be a normal behaviour to a more intense " intune with the Spirit" kind of behaviour. Hard to explain, but it was like my Father in Heaven was talking to me and was trying to get my attention.
Previous to this, Dr Roper had told me that his chances were really, fairly good and this is what babies did. They're up, they're down.
So, when the Nurse finished doing what she was doing and left, Gary and I were just there staring at each other, I closed my eyes and listened to what my Father in Heaven was trying to tell me. It was peaceful and ever so strong. I looked up at Gary and said "I think Sam is needed more on the other side"
I can honestly say that it takes alot of faith and courage to will someone to live, A WHOLE lot more to let them go and hand them back.
Within 10 minutes his little over-worked heart just stopped and no amount of anything would start it again. I quietly walked back with Gary to the room and waited for the Dr to come in and tell me the news. He came over and put his hand on my shoulder and just shook his head.
I reached into my inner soul and just wrenched with heartache like I've never had before. I would have died right then and there if it meant Sam could live. Even though I felt like I had given him back, I didn't want to let him go.
That day was literally the hardest day of my life. I remember sitting in the corridor with my Mother waiting for Gary to get the car ( as I was allowed to go home,) knowing that I was leaving with empty arms. Young Mothers were everywhere with their newborns and I just wanted the floor to swallow me up. I sat in the back of the car and just cried and groaned all the way home to my Mothers place.
That night after Gary had drifted off to sleep and Dad was still downstairs I crept into my Mothers bedroom, where I found her on her knees crying as well. She quickly ended her prayer and ushered me into her bed and just held me until I drifted into sleep. At the age of 34 I still needed that tender touch and warm embrace from my Mother.
The next day was a Sunday and we were meeting with the funeral guy who came to the house. My Branch Pres. Michael Brazier came as well and gave me strength beyond his knowing. I didn't even want to look at the funeral director, it was all too real. Nancy Webb sat up all night making a beautiful little outfit to dress him in. My Mother, my Sister Narelle and my good friend Linda all went over to the funeral home the next morning to dress him, "Simple Acts of Kindness" that meant the most to me. I couldn't bare to go to the funeral home. (now when I look back, I wished I could have and given that final act of Mothering him)
The funeral was beautiful and we had a viewing for close friends and family. He looked perfect and looked like he was just sleeping. I just wanted to reach in and pick him up. No stress on his little face at all. His skin was smooth like silk and he resembled his brothers to a T. I imagine that he would have looked just like them to this day.
As they were lowering his casket down there was this bird that was singing really loudly, it was a Rainbird I think. I call it Sams bird, because whenever I hear those birds sing out I remember that day.
I don't write this account for sympathy or sadness, I write it because its still fresh in my memory after 20 years. I write it because I know that if I put it on here, it will be kept and might just bring hope to someone else.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that Sam was never meant to stay long, but long enough for me to recognize this. It gives me strength to know that there is life after death and that Sam never has to prove himself to anyone. It gives me strength to know that I WILL see him again one day.
I wish I could allow all grieving Parents to look into my head and see what I saw in my dream. It wasn't until after Sam had died that I remembered seeing him in my dreams. How Blessed was I.
So Sam, happy 20th birthday. Sometimes it feels like yesterday that you were here with us. I can still smell you and hear your breathing. I can still feel the movement within my womb when you were healthy and kicking. I never got to hear you cry much. The only cry that was uttered out of your mouth was a soft little lamb like baa, but that will do.
Take fresh courage people who have lost and are grieving, it is not the end. This life is just a twinkle, it is just a passing moment compared to the endless life that is ahead of us. Everything will be restored, lost will be found and emptiness replaced with fullness. We all know what to do.
It is a rich and an abundant blessing to know that Families are Forever.
This wonderful Nurse called Betty took some photos for me at which some people might not like to look at. Viewer discretion please. I just want to post them here so that when the originals fade, which they are, I can still have them to look at. Unfortunately we only got one photo of Sam when he was alive, so for me to be able to take a photo of the originals, put them into instagram and enhance them was like out of this world. So if you dont want to look at them, dont, but please DO NOT leave any negative comments.
I once had someone say to me "why would you want to look at a photo of him in which he is dead?" Im sorry but I only have those to look at.
This is the only one I have of Sam alive and he had his face turned away from the camera.
Until we meet again.
